G Asks: Is It Selfish to Put Sobriety First?

in social usage, “selfish” is a manipulative word. one way to express the way to be best and balanced is to look for god’s will. if that gets called out as selfish: a) it might be a sign that one is just projecting selfish (i.e.callous, narrow) wishes onto god or b) the one who calls selfish may be trying to get you privilege their wishes over you sense of god’s will.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but it is only when I put my sobriety first that I am able to keep things in perspective and properly honour those around me.

I had to make the difficult decision to miss out on a family Christmas this year, because I knew that the stress of travel, family, and my seasonal depression together would jeopardize my ability to remain sober. I was made to feel guilty for my decision, but I really made it for them. My struggle over the holiday would not only have jeopardized my sobriety but also my relationships.

Sometimes choosing sobriety can look selfish, but we have to remember that it looks selfish often in comparison to our drunk selves. When I was drinking, I said yes to almost everything, because I could drink my way through it. Compared to that, I look selfish and difficult, but it’s a false measure.

I’ve heard over and over again, in treatment and now in AA, that anything you put ahead of your recovery is what you’ll eventually lose. I compare it to being told on an airplane to put your own oxygen mask on before you put one on your children–you can’t take care of them if you can’t breathe yourself. I have been getting some flack from my husband because I’m not actively looking for a job, but I know that job-hunting or getting a job right now would probably send me straight back to drinking and using. I don’t think it’s selfish to make sure that we are well so we can be better friends, parents, or workers.

One effect of my using was to keep me in one spot. In other words, to limit my reach into the world. To keep me “in my place,” as it were. Do you read me? I had to serve the people around me and be a certain person, and I could numb the feelings of—I hardly know what the feelings are. They’re just now coming to the surface. The feelings of power that come when you can be of true service—when you can be the person the creator meant you to be. The thing in the third step prayer that says “thy power, thy love, thy way of life.” Is that power supposed to be about braking yourself into one spot? To me sobriety feels like the brake is lifted: you know you can do lots of good in many places, with many people. I dunno, maybe it’s different for everyone.

Luckily, I have a family that’s either in AA or Al-Anon or knows the program so with them I’m always understood. In fact, it can get annoying when my mom tells me I should go to a meeting. My husband is a “normie” but he gets it and knows that without my recovery I sort of suck as a partner. That being said I’ve gotten resistance from others not in the program who think I should get over it or that I should be cured by now. Whatever. if I had to receive cancer treatments or dialysis, people would understand my treatment coming first. But since it’s alcoholism, folks tend to act like your treatment isn’t as important.
For me, I struggled in my second year to keep sobriety a priority. I had gotten the guy, the great job and my family back so staying in the program was tough. My mind told me I didn’t need to put it first anymore and it honestly caused me a lot of discomfort. I juts kept coming back and fighting through it and it got better. But it took a long time to stop listening to my disease.

Right. … Came across this idea in Thomas Moore’s book “Soul Mates”: “Religion [or, I would say, spirituality] in the deepest sense takes shape as we learn through pain and loss that the creativity we exercise over our lives is finite, a mere participation in a greater creative act.” A subject for another blog.

Would we ever say to a diabetic that it’s either me or the insulin? I have loved a few addicts in my time, and their choices about recovery are really none of my business. Because if I accept that it’s a disease and I have no control over the disease process, then I have no problem separating the person from the disease. If, however, I do not accept that addiction is a disease process like any other disease, then I would assume the addict has more control than they really do and can stop if only they have the will. Not that they have absolutely zero control at all. Each of us makes our own choices about who what we want to keep in our lives and who or what to let go. We each have to make choice on how to manage our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I am not respnsible for the choices that the addict makes and neither is anyone else. I think it’s about taking ownership of what’s mine and giving back what is not. One of my favorite definitions of addiction is: self will run rampant. It is a disease of willfullness and based on fallicies that I can control people, places and things when the reality is otherwise. The question then becomes: Can I tolerate givng up all fantasies of controlling another person? Can I let them take responsibility for their own choices?

I’m afraid I have no time for this one. Someone who says to me that I should put something (usually either their needs or their priorities) before recovery is saying (a) that their wants and needs come before my health, and (b) that I should value what’s important to them above what’s important to me. That’s not someone I want to be intimate with. The logical extreme of this is “I want the old you back – I liked it better when you were the person who was using, because you were more of a misery buddy or more codependent or we had more in common”. They’re probably romanticising the past, because the old me was a lousy human being. More to the point, I suppose, the old me wasn’t really *me*, so if that’s really they want, then they don’t really want to have someone who is actually like me in their life. Which is okay.

I have lost people to recovery – people I love very much, and people I’m better off without. (Venn diagram.) But I’ve gained myself. And I don’t close the door on any of them, because I don’t think that’s what my programme teaches me to do. I am as loving to them as I can be whilst maintaining my own standards and priorities. Because I’ve learned that I do actually deserve to be treated like that, and I’m the only person who can do it.

I do fear hurting someone else unintentionally, but I also believe that the only way to avoid it is never to have any interaction with anyone ever again, because I am not perfect. I do my best to keep every encounter as clean as I can, and when I fail (which I inevitably do from time to time) then I do my best to clean it up. And I have to trust that they have their own higher power and their own journey and that my defects are somehow helping them along that path, because it’s the only way that makes sense.

“I do my best to keep every encounter as clean as I can, and when I fail (which I inevitably do from time to time) then I do my best to clean it up.” I just said this to somebody the other day: what other way is there to learn than through experience? All I can do is live one day at a time to the best of my ability. I’m bound to make mistakes, without even knowing I’m making them—AND sometimes knowing full well that I’m fucking up. Because I’m human. And the best I can do is to clean it up.

“The only way to avoid [hurting someone unintentionally] is never to have any interaction with anyone ever again, because I am not perfect.” Thanks. I needed to hear that today.

And there’s all the stuff around step 6 and 7 about God removing our defects in God’s time and not our time, and that’s because there is a bigger picture that we don’t see. Sometimes other people need to experience something, for their own journey, and we are the route for them to do that. I think that as long as we are taking the time to pray to be of service and asking for guidance on a regular basis, then it’s reasonably safe to assume that our best is good enough and therefore if something seems to have gone wrong, it’s only because we think it’s meant to be different.

When I was new in sobriety, my sponsor would tell me over and over again, sobriety needs to be your first priority, anything you put before it you will lose. I had a husband and two teenagers at the time and was conflicted about how to balance my responsibilities as a partner and parent with my responsibility to myself and my illness. When she asked me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, my answer was, “I don’t have time”. She reminded me that somehow I found the time to get a bottle of wine or two each day and then drink it.

I was very lucky to have a husband that fully supported me in recovery and even encouraged me to go to meetings. I may have taken that unqualified support for granted. Now I am so appreciative of the gift and loving support that he gave me. There is no doubt in my mind that is a big reason why our marriage has survived the difficulties that pop up when one person grows and changes from working the steps and being part of the fellowship.

After a few years, my husband joined Al-anon. He threw himself into it, attended meetings and worked the steps. My fear was that in his recovery he would see my character defects more clearly and decide to move on. Miraculously, the opposite happened and for that I am eternally grateful. Our struggles are not over but now we come at our problems with the help of the tools of the program. Sometimes we need outside help as well.

Over the years I’ve seen many newly sober folks (especially women) in recovery struggling because they have a family, spouse, or friends that do not support them in their efforts to get sober. The upside is that they have people in the fellowship lovingly supporting their efforts. If we didn’t have others who have gone down the path of recovery before us, where would we be? Alone and stuck in the view that what we are doing is selfish, I believe. Most likely, alone and stuck in our disease.

Our sobriety is the greatest gift we give to ourselves and others. It can be a hard thing for some of those close to us to accept. As others have commented, these people may be more comfortable maintaining the pre-sober, dysfunctional, codependent relationship. When these situations crop up, as they often do, we have to make choices. The choice to put our sobriety first may hurt someone and end the relationship or it may be an opportunity for the other person to grow and change. And as we know from our own experience, that growth and change in the other person will not happen overnight. It may not happen at all but it’s not my call, I leave that one up to my higher power.

G..also heard this mentioned recently but for me have to put my recovery first it might
sound selfish but that just how it is for now,another way I look at is if I dont and I start
slacking on my recovery that won’t benefit me or those close to me so recovery has to
be first for now.enjoy reading your blog and look forward to reading more

I’m really glad that @schmutzie retweeted the link to this post yesterday, as I found it really interesting. I don’t have any experience with addiction, but I have battled OCD and depression for many years, and in ways I relate to what you’re saying here.

The conclusion I’ve come to is this: Why does ‘selfish’ necessarily have to be a bad thing? As Daniel said below, that word is often used to manipulate or shame us, when there really isn’t any shame necessary. If I’m investing time and energy into preserving my sanity, or you’re spending time and energy preserving your sobriety, why is that not viewed as a ‘worthy’ use of time? Taking care of ourselves is as important, sometimes more important, than taking care of other responsibilities, because that’s where everything else *starts*. I can’t be effective or fully present in anything else, or *to* anyone else, unless I’m centered in myself. I also smile every time I hear the announcement on the airplane that I must secure my own oxygen mask before assisting others.

I don’t know if I’ve lost or hurt anyone in my life because I place my own mental health as a top priority. Mostly I think I’ve been doing it so long that I’ve kind of self-selected people in my life who are going to understand.

I don’t know if this is helpful or relevant, but I wanted to chime in and say that I hear where you’re coming from. Be well.

Christy
twitter.com/mnestic

Before I got sober, I felt guilty putting myself first, but out of fear, I did put myself first anyway. Things like sitting home drinking copious amounts of wine instead of seeing if I could be of service to anyone in my life in need. Then I’d feel shame and cover these actions/inactions up by spotlighting anything good I did and making sure people knew about it.

In recovery, it took me a while to learn to put myself first in healthy self-care ways. It seemed selfish and self-centered. My husband would also undermine my efforts by criticizing me for going to AA meetings or taking a nap. But now I know these things are my medicine so I always take my medicine. To hell with the haters. Those around me who originally questioned my self-care efforts have backed off and accepted my new routine.

And I’m now more willing and able to be of service to others.

I’ve put my recovery over my career. I no longer put commitments in the program over my family. I put my family second (or lower) on my list of priorities when I was actively drinking. I did not get sober to let my family take second place to my recovery activities. It just can’t happen if I want to make amends and improve those relationships.

I’m almost 8 years sober and it took roughly 4-5 years to come to that decision. I don’t feel my recovery has suffered from that decision either.

This is a selfless program, not a selfish one. We put recovery first by being of service to our Higher Power and helping others. When I first came into the program, I didn’t understand this. I had put my friends, family, & loved ones through pain and suffering in my addiction. When I first came into the rooms at 22, my Mother would ask me for my help and I would say things like “Mom, I have to go to a meeting, I can’t handle this right now” or “I’m sorry I don’t have time for you, I have to put my sobriety first. You don’t want me to relapse, do you?” The fact of the matter is, I was new in recovery and didn’t know what putting my recovery/sobriety first meant. What I was doing was very selfish; I was using it as an excuse to continue to do what I wanted to do. I may have put the bottle down for a little while, but nothing about my behavior had change. I would stay out of the rooms and drinking for 6 more years as a result. A 12 step program is not a selfish program, it is a selfless program. When we hear the words “we have to put our sobriety or recovery first” what we are saying is “we have to put our Higher Power first, thy will be done, not mine”. We leave selfish thinking to those who are still suffering and we begin to live the steps, not just speak of them. I show up for my family, friends, & loved ones today. This is why I have to live one day at a time. I meditate in the morning and the evening in order to keep connected with my Higher Power so I may handle situations as selflessly and loving as possible. We do not use recovery/sobriety or the like there of as an excuse to continue to hurt others. I go to meetings daily and when I can’t, I am always talking to other alcoholics in order to keep connected. The 12 steps are a means of cleaning house, getting connected to a higher power, and helping others. I have to take care of myself so I may do this, but I also have to check my motives to make sure that I am not being selfish with the care for myself vs. the care for others. As long as I follow principles, I know all will be well.