Guinevere Gets Sober

Recovery news, reviews and stories, by Jennifer Matesa.

Withdrawal, One Day At A Time.

Went to a meeting yesterday. Topic: “One Day At A Time as a spiritual practice.”

Today is the third anniversary of the day I jumped off my medical detox. My detox doctor prescribed Suboxone to help me land my plane off a 30,000-foot level of Fentanyl. I spent two months on Suboxone—almost triple the time this doctor usually allows his patients to spend on that drug. He was very kind to me and one of my first acts of “recovery” was to repay his kindness by taking the drug responsibly—by showing him that I actually wanted to detox.

If you find it difficult to manage withdrawal by yourself, it might be good to find a doctor you can trust to help. The only way I managed detox was to turn the process over to someone else.

A lot of people come to Suboxone-detox doctors with heroin or Vicodin or OxyContin problems. Their supplies of pharma drugs have been erratic, and the quality of heroin is uncertain. They run out of money or their dealers run out of dope. So some people haven’t been on a steady level. Detox is somewhat easier if you haven’t been on a steady level: in the down-times, the body has a chance to regain some equilibrium, and there’s not so much physical damage to repair.

But I was on a fairly steady level, and the level was towering, the equivalent of 400-600mg of morphine per day. Crazy-high level.

I never thought I’d ever, ever—ever—be able to jump and land on the ground with both my legs intact. I’d tried. I’d gone into withdrawal (voluntarily, involuntarily) over the years, and gotten partway, only to be driven back to the drugstore to get the thing that would relieve the suffering of severe withdrawal.

In withdrawal from any drug on which the body becomes dependent (including psych-meds), the body and mind experience problems operating optimally. For opioids the physical problems include sweating, cramping, vomiting, goose-flesh, headaches, soaring blood pressure, insomnia, extreme deathly fatigue. It’s often the last two, which can hang on for ages and which affect psychological wellbeing, that drive people back to drugs.

Alcoholics go through sweating, racing heart, weakness, palpitations, tremors, seizures. The seizures can be life-threatening, which is why it’s sometimes better to do a medical detox from alcohol-addiction.

Mel Bochner, "Blah, Blah, Blah," 2009. Saw this at the Met last week and it reminded me of my kid's art.

And then there are the psychological disturbances. Confusion. “Anxiety” (otherwise known as fear). “Restlessness, irritability, discontentment,” blah blah blah.

In opioid withdrawal there can even be a kind of euphoria as the body begins to return to normal functioning. The senses come alive; food tastes good again; we walk into the kitchen and our mouths water; appetites return. There have been documented cases of spontaneous orgasm in opioid withdrawal. The body, no longer drugged and dulled, begins to produce the hormones that support normal sexuality—and the physical and emotional responses go a bit overboard for a while.


People in yesterday’s meeting were talking about One Day At A Time. I heard a saying that I’d heard long ago in a meeting: “You can start your day over at any time—even an hour before bedtime, you can start your day over.” I was reminded of how my friend and mentor Sluggo used to ask me, after I jumped and was feeling lousy and was facing a Thanksgiving holiday with family in the house—exhausted from detox, unable to look at cleaning the entire garret guest-space; upset, as always, at the grunge on the kitchen floor—Sluggo used to ask me,

How are you now?

And now?

And now?

I didn’t get this at the time. “I’m FUCKED UP NOW!!” I’d scream at  her in my head.

I could have screamed it at Sluggo in real life (“IRL”) and she would have sat there, like, OK, so you’re fucked up now. She never tried to force solutions. She rocks at detachment.

Sluggo is wise, and streetwise; she’s quite literally been around the world, and she’s seen and done a lot of shit. She’s lived in Tokyo and Paris and other places where supermodels live while they’re showing haute couture. She’s been held up at knifepoint in Chicago, trying to cop, shivering from withdrawal and exposure in an evening gown that she was supposed to be modeling. … After a lot of tries, she got “clean.” She got married, had a kid and now uses the 12 steps to stay sober and sane.

(I love her.)

Step 11 is Very Important to Sluggo. She knows how to meditate. Because she meditates.

Her question (“How are you now? And now?”) is about meditation. Meditation is about practice. The practice of meditation changes the body and nervous system. It counters paranoia, compulsiveness, anxiety, “restlessness, irritability, discontentment.” For people like us, it’s medicine.

After Sluggo asked me this question a few times, I began to realize that Right Now I was safe and well. “FUCKED UP!!” is a mean judgment that hides great expectations. “Safe” and “well” are facts.


At the meeting yesterday I was sitting next to a woman who said she had 40 days. From the sheepish look of her, she felt kind of bad admitting she had “only” 40 days. Murmurs around the room: “Awesome!” “Forty days rocks.” “Forty days is HUGE.” There was a guy there who had five days. Then people started talking about how we only have This Day, and how This Day can start over again at any time, so really we only have This Moment.

How are you now?

And now?

And now?


  1. My sobriety is much easier to maintain than I thought it would be; I anticipated cravings, illness and craziness. None of that happened and 27 years later I am grateful Every Single Day that I am sober and alive and loved.

    Thank you for the reminder; I appreciate it.

  2. Learning to tone down the ceaseless racket of disturbing thoughts is a decisive step on the road to inner peace. Meditation is a great weapon against the frailty of addictive thinking. Lovely thoughts to share…

  3. Lisa Letchworth

    November 2, 2011 at 2:38 am

    This post was exactly what I needed to read tonight…thanks!!

  4. Yes, a moment of sobriety is just as much a miracle as 20 years. That’s a tripped out thought. But true.

  5. Amazing article Guinivere, thanks. I read in the book FLOW by M. CCsikzentmihalyi on p. 28 that the human central nervous system processes sensory information in packets of 7 bits at a time and the shortest amount of time between packets is 1/18th second, which is 2x faster than I can blink my eyes. That speed blew me away, and it also gives me permission to live thought by thought. Heartmath has taught me that I can regulate the time between heart beats, which feels good by the way, so I figure I ought to live heart beat by heart beat. Start over thought by thought?

  6. Heartmath is an effective tool. A friend of mine reduced her blood pressure just by doing cardiac coherence.

  7. Beautiful post, G. I am glad that you share so much here. I will remember How are you Now? And Now?

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