Guinevere Gets Sober

Recovery news, reviews and stories, by Jennifer Matesa.

Tag: rehab

Amy Winehouse: Dying for Approval

Update 7/24/11: Please see the blog entry about Amy Winehouse’s death.


I love writing this blog: one day I get to think about university-geek doctors researching neuroplasticity, and the next day I get to think about train-wreck celebrities who are flushing their enormous talent down the toilet by saying “no, no, no” to rehab.

Amy Winehouse


In other words, Amy Winehouse. Who today cancelled her European tour after showing up drunk and/or wasted on drugs in Belgrade, Serbia a few days ago.

Amy Winehouse is dying for approval.

Catch this video of Winehouse shot Saturday night, in which the audience boos her:

She stumbles around, stops in mid-verse a few times, and drags a band-mate over to help her finish her lines. Aside from the fact that she’s completely wasted, here’s what I noticed about Winehouse in this video (and this may be simple projection on my part):

  • She gives two of her tall dark and handsome band-mates prolonged hugs and repeatedly seeks their attention during the song.
  • She is wearing a corseted skin-tight sequined tiger-print “dress,” which pushes her breasts up to her collarbones.
  • Her posture: despite the fact that she’s taken off her heels, she still can’t stop jutting her tits out in front and her butt out in back. She has learned to “present” her body in a compulsively sexual way.

What’s driving Winehouse is so obviously her need for other people’s approval. … Extremely insecure. I say this because I notice the tendencies in myself, OK?

So, you’re thinking, Yeah, so what. This is what performers do, this is how they’re motivated—by looking for approval.

It’s not what performers used to do. Performers used to be allowed to focus on their musicianship and their skill, and not sacrifice their health and sanity and life for a buck. Musicians used to be straight when they played gigs and they received fees that were sane and reasonable, which kept ticket prices affordable. Musicians wore suits, and dresses that covered their bodies. Think the Beatles. Think the Supremes, or Aretha. I mean even Janis Joplin, who was also dying for approval, wore clothes! … Then came Madonna, and MTV, and music became as much about using spectacle and voyeurism and pretend narratives—Yesterday I was Marilyn Monroe; today I’m a henna-tattooed Indian yogi; tomorrow I think I’ll be a disco cowgirl—to raise ticket prices. It’s no longer much about the actual music. Because as everyone knows, the art itself never makes you any money. It’s the tours and the merchandise and the peripheral press coverage, the celebrity.

So Amy Winehouse, a dyed-in-the-wool alcoholic and addict with fantastic pipes and something of a knack for songwriting, arrives at 20 years old, just a kid, in the mid-2000s. She’s getting drunk and cutting and starving her body. Of course she can’t agree to go to rehab! Fuckin-A. Her voice is being compared to Sarah Vaughn’s and Ella Fitzgerald’s, which may or may not flatter her and make her aware of her extraordinary potential. What’s important is, she is being called “controversial.” Newsweek is saying she is “a perfect storm of sex kitten, raw talent and poor impulse-control.” She gets this. When poor impulse-control is part of what makes you so top-dollar, what makes people APPROVE OF YOU so much, how can you go to rehab? Rehab is all about regaining impulse-control. It’s all about saying “no, no, no” to things that are going to kill you.

Like, for example, drinking, and smoking crack and ciggies till you come down with emphysema.

Like, making more money at all costs.

I have a couple good friends who enjoy Amy Winehouse’s music. I must admit I’d never heard any of her songs before I listened to “Rehab” this morning. I’m trained in voice, and Amy Winehouse has an amazing gift. The tune is catchy and the words are perhaps more ambiguous and lyrical than they might at first seem. It’s unclear to me, at least, whether the singer in “Rehab” means her lines entirely without irony.

The man said, “Why you think you here?”
I said, “I got no idea
I’m gonna lose my baby
So I always keep a bottle near”

What I notice in the 2006 video for “Rehab” is, she is being produced in the same sleazy way that she performed in her Belgrade concert. She frankly looks like a prostitute. A “slut,” as we used to say in high school. Her lips have been pumped up to porn-star proportions. A year or two later, so will go her breasts.

Stacey Earle in performance in Pittsburgh, 18 June 2011.

On Saturday (ironically, the same night Amy Winehouse was stumbling around in Belgrade) I went to a house concert. Stacey Earle, a sister of Steve Earle, and her husband, Mark Stuart, performed a two-hour gig for 40 people. I took a friend of mine who blogs about rock music. He wrote me later:

Their performance was so beautiful and sincere. Her songwriting and his guitar—why aren’t folks like this more ‘successful’ and others like (fill in the blank) fill stadiums? Its not the songs—the songs are BEAST!

I replied, “Others (fill in blank) are more successful IMO because they sell sex and youth.” What they also sell is spectacle. In Amy Winehouse’s case, it’s the spectacle of sickness. Pete Townshend used to destroy his guitars onstage. Amy Winehouse is destroying herself. When you watch her onstage, you get to feel like you’re witnessing the ruination of something beautiful that has become iconic, as though you were present at, I dunno, the ripping in half of the veil in the temple? the self-immolation of the Vietnamese monk?—plus, as a bonus, if you’re lucky and Winehouse isn’t too wasted, you get to hear a bit of beast entertainment thrown in. Same with Charlie Sheen.

Or you can choose to pay to watch Mark Stuart and Stacey Earle, who wears no makeup and doesn’t dye or even style her hair, and who hasn’t bothered to “fix” her crooked teeth (“I think if she fixed them, her entire way of singing would change, and maybe not for the better,” my friend mused), who has a different and equally powerful vocal gift and who is able to play two hours without losing track of her songs or her lines. She’s not dying for approval. She’s not filling up arenas, because why?—she’s healthy and sincere? “Sincerity” doesn’t necessarily make a million bucks. But it makes great music. And when you’re an addict, it might keep you alive.


Insomnia in Recovery: Three Things I Do To Sleep Better

Insomnia in detox rehab recoveryChemical detox can mess up our sleep cycles. When our bodies get rid of the chemicals we’ve ingested for so long—whether nicotine, alcohol or drugs; street drugs or prescription drugs—our neurological systems need time to heal. And one of the cycles governed by the healing neurological system is the sleep-wake cycle.

This can also be true of folks “detoxing” from toxic, codependent relationships. My experience in Al-Anon helped me understand that the compulsive need to solve other people’s problems is analogous to drug-use: it makes me feel better to make someone else feel OK; it distracts me from being present in my own life and taking care of myself, just as drugs did. This constant focus on other people I can’t control can make me anxious, chronically raising cortisol (adrenaline) levels and short-circuiting my body’s ability to regulate its energy. Setting healthy boundaries with people can be freeing, but it can also feel dangerous and unfamiliar. I’ve spent sleepless hours in the night worrying about other people and how I can fix them up and make them all better.

When we’re detoxing or working a difficult problem in recovery, we can feel tired during the day and restless during the night. It takes time and work for the nervous system to “reset” itself.

And when I was detoxing, my first instinct was to “take something,” preferably another chemical, to make me feeeeel better. But in recovery I’ve tried to break the habit of “taking something.” I want to find non-chemical ways to deal with my problems.

Here are a few ways I’ve dealt with insomnia:

The Body—Exercise. In detox, I started exercising at least five times per week, for at least 30 minutes per session, and I’ve tried to keep up this regimen for the past two years. I notice that, during the times I slack off on my exercise regimen, my body feels colder and more sluggish. It’s kind of counter-intuitive, but when I feel really knackered during the day and unable to sleep at night, it’s not rest that does me good but getting out on the tennis court, hopping on my bike, doing half an hour of yoga, or taking a fast walk. Anything that makes my body sweat and stretch. Regular exercise has been shown to be just as effective as antidepressants at lifting the mood and restoring natural sleep.

Steven Scanlan, M.D., medical director of Palm Beach Outpatient Detox and a board-certified addiction-medicine specalist, says exercise works better than any drug to help bring back sleep cycles. “Studies show that 12 minutes of exercise per day with a heart rate of greater than 120 beats per minute restores the natural endorphin system in half the time,” Scanlan, who has overseen thousands of detoxes for people addicted to alcohol and opiates, told me.  “The people who do that, their sleep architecture returns to normal in half the time of people who don’t exercise. Twelve minutes! And of course you can do more.”

Sleeping in detox recoveryThe Mind—Meditation. A daily discipline of calming the mind in order to calm the body accrues benefits after the actual meditation is finished, the way exercise accrues benefits for the body after the actual workout is done. A meditation practice has taught me I don’t have to grab onto every thought that comes into my mind. I can choose which thoughts to admit. So when I’m wakeful in the night, I focus on my breath. I make the breaths come slowly and through my belly, not my chest. When the fearful thoughts come, the meditative practice I’ve cultivated helps me let them go.

The Spirit—Gratitude Lists. I’ve had quite a number of wakeful nights recently. Moving into new arenas and accepting challenges wakes up the old fear inside me. The fear attacks my faith that, as the old saying goes, “All will be well, and all manner of thing will be well…”

Instead of writing inventory on my fear, I’ve been directed to pay attention to my gratitude. I’ve been writing little gratitude lists each night before bed. … The other night, when I woke up, I had this wild sleepy idea that I could breathe out a mental gratitude list. I slowed my breath down, and on each exhale I thought of something for which I was grateful. After about eight or 10 breaths, I wasn’t sure I could come up with anything important. But the things we’re grateful for don’t have to be earth-shattering. Here were some things I thought of in the middle of the night:

  • My warm bed
  • My comfortable sheets
  • My husband sleeping next to me
  • My son in the next room
  • Our house
  • The good roof on the house
  • Our furnace
  • My friends
  • My sister coming to visit
  • My computer
  • Our piano
  • My son’s guitar
  • My son playing his guitar
  • Singing with my husband
  • My art room
  • My paints and brushes
  • Being clean and sober
  • Our garden
  • My warm socks
  • My yoga mat
  • My bike
  • Our big city yard
  • Our books
  • Supper
  • My soft pillow

The fact that I was able to generate an interminable list amazed me. The longer I went on, breathing out my gratitude, the calmer I felt, and the more sure I became that we would be OK. The more I could release my fear into faith that something else other than myself, a lot bigger than myself, was taking care of us. Taking care of me.

And I fell asleep…

Sleeping in detox rehab recovery

Lindsay Lohan sentenced to 90 days in jail + rehab

California Superior Court Judge Marsha Revel is obviously trying to raise the bottom for Lindsay Lohan—whose latest, widely reported stunt was drinking while wearing an ankle alcohol monitor during the MTV Music Awards last month.

Revel today sentenced Lohan to 90 days in jail followed by another 90 in inpatient rehab, not for the MTV escapade but for skipping alcohol-education classes during her probation.

Prosecutors had sought a month of jail. Revel apparently thought Lohan was not taking her probation “seriously” enough, so she tripled that suggestion, which made Lohan cry before the court—raising her hands to her eyes, revealing a tiny “FUCK YOU” painted onto the middle finger of her left hand, caught by discerning television cameras the world over. Classic.

Is doing time in a suburban L.A. jail really gonna teach Lohan anything about her addiction? Chances are dodgy enough that rehab will, especially if (imo) it’s anything less than a six-month stint. Most active addicts and alcoholics will use and drink despite almost any external circumstance.

So what will make the difference for this lost girl? Because I really wonder.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers to rehab again

Is Jonathan Rhys Meyers hitting bottom? Star of The Tudors, Meyers, 32, has signed on for his fourth stint in rehab (this time in London) after having been prohibited from boarding a United Airlines flight at JFK Airport in New York when staff noticed he was pounding drinks in the first-class lounge.

Meyers became enraged and physically belligerent, and used an incendiary racial epithet, resulting in his being banned from all United Airlines flights.

Last summer he was arrested at Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris when he threatened to kill bar staff in the first-class lounge, who shut him off after noticing that he’d been pounding drinks while waiting for his flight. He was charged with “willful violence, outrage, hitting and threatening death.”

Good for him for trying again. Hope Meyers gets the help he needs. I’ve long wondered what it takes for us to get sober. My friend Tom says it might always remain a mystery… Lots of people say, “I was done.” The way I think of it is, “I just couldn’t do it anymore.” What did it take for you? How many times?

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